Remember
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: Three months, three weeks and six days. That was the time it took for him to go and visit her.


**Author's Note: **I know there is a ridiculous amount of post-Knockout stories by now and I have no business to be adding yet another one to the pile but I couldn't help it. This is inspired in part by the song "More than a Memory" by Garth Brooks but it doesn't follow the song entirely. Also, I'd like to add that this is obviously not what I'd like to happen and I know that it won't. Still, the angst muse was working and it refused to let me go.

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><p>Three months. It had been three months since the fateful day in the middle of the cemetery when Beckett was shot in cold blood. Actually, if anyone were counting it was three months, three weeks and six days, but Castle didn't think anyone but he knew the actual distinction.<p>

It was cruel, really; they'd gone to the graveyard that day to bury Roy and before the end of the week they had to put her in the ground too.

For the first week he rarely ate and didn't bother sleeping but he tried keeping up appearances while Alexis and his mother were around. Martha would at times bring him coffee and some sort of pastry or muffin in the hopes that he'd at least eat something but she'd come back a few hours later to find him in the same position he was before with the coffee stone cold and the food untouched.

It took him two weeks before he felt strong enough to even enter the precinct. He stopped for coffee along the way because he finally felt strong enough to drink the stuff again and out of habit started ordering her a drink. He caught himself halfway through but simply smiled, ordering it anyway because at the least he'd have something to remember her by.

The boys were sitting at their desks when he walked in and tried to act cool about it at first. It was, apparently, a slow week for murders in New York, which was probably for the best and yet it didn't help matters that because of it they were left at the precinct with nothing to do but file paperwork and stare at the spot Beckett should've been.

Actually, if they were being honest it was a lie because while they were technically not supposed to all of them were following leads to find the guy that had shot Beckett. It was what was keeping Castle up at night because it was either that or dream of her, repeating the same things over and over.

The dreams would start the same. Beckett would be with him somewhere, maybe at a crime scene or maybe at his apartment, and everything would seem fine at first. In some of them she was actually smiling or laughing and in one of them they had danced, but they all ended with her clutching her stomach as she fell to the ground, blood slowly seeping out of her.

He'd wake up in a sweat, reaching for the phone and several times actually calling her number before remembering that even if his dreams were usually different the end results were always reality coming back to remind him that his beloved muse was gone.

They'd brought counselors into the precinct. Something about being there if any of them needed to talk through their grief. It was all ill-timed however because the day after the counselors left their new captain was introduced. A woman whose name Castle didn't remember because the second after she mentioned she was a fan of his books and looked forward to working with him he darted for the elevator.

A month is a long time but not when trying to get over something. At least that's what he'd always thought. But Beckett wasn't just some illness or a helpless crush that he would now be forced to get over. She was his partner, his inspiration and more than those she was the woman he loved.

He hadn't realized it before then, had he? It was something he'd been debating before the fateful day at the cemetery. He knew he had felt something for her and believed it to be love despite feeling like she'd never return it. But with her blood spilling through his fingers and cradling her head in one hand he knew without a single shadow of a doubt. All of the bickering, the teasing and the flirting…none of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was that she knew how he felt and maybe he was imagining things but he thought he'd seen the slightest hint of a smile cross her lips before Beckett faded into unconsciousness.

Regardless, none of that mattered anymore because she was gone and that fact was something he was going to have to live with.

He'd tried writing on a few occasions but to no avail. It was as if the inspiration had left him the second she did. Whenever this thought occurred to him however Castle would grow angry. Beckett didn't leave, she was _taken_.

It was one month to the day when he got a call from Jim asking him to meet for lunch. Had it been anyone else he probably would have said no but there was something in the older man's voice that couldn't let him turn away.

Apparently he had gone through his Katie's things and found a few items her figured he should have. It took everything inside for Castle to not burst then and there at the thought that one day soon he could drive past her apartment building and see a light on, knowing someone else was living there. Jim must have read the look on his face for it was then that he pushed a small shoe box in his direction.

"For what it's worth Rick," Jim had spoken, lowering his voice so as to only be heard by the man opposite him. "I heard what you said. And I think you should know she loved you, too."

Castle's hands rested on top of the box, fingertips drumming a slow but steady beat. He hadn't even considered until that moment that anyone other than Kate could have heard him. _Kate_, he thought, because calling her by her last name in such a moment didn't seem right. "You don't know that."

"I do, and it's okay. I'd like to think you two could have been happy. You made my little girl happy and that's what matters."

Words from his mother were coming back to haunt him. He knew he should probably offer a word of thanks or at least say something to fill the silence but in that moment the right words wouldn't come to him. "How've you been?" Castle was surprised to find that his voice was cracking as he asked Jim how he'd been and he felt a little guilty for not checking up on him any sooner.

"As good as can be expected under the circumstances." Jim replied before fishing his wallet out of his pocket. Emotions were never his strong suit and he knew if he stayed much longer he'd end up spilling everything out and he couldn't do that. Instead he reached across the table, patting a hand against Castle's which were still resting on the box, offering a nod. "I know you've been looking for the man that did this…you can try and deny it, but I know you are. All that I ask is that you be careful too because wherever Katie is right now you can bet she wouldn't want you killing yourself over this."

Castle looked up from the box, opening his mouth to refuse only to be met with Jim shaking his head and standing up from the booth. In that moment he wasn't sure when if ever he'd ever see him again so him simply smiled, nodding silently as he watched him turn to go.

It took him another week to actually open the box. He knew it was ridiculous but somehow opening the it made everything seem more real. Whatever it contained was what he'd have to remember her by but he doubted it would mean much compared to the string of memories that had been assaulting him since the day of the shooting.

What he saw must have been collected from around her apartment; a few newspaper articles from crimes they had solved, pictures, and several other things that barely registered as his eyes latched on to one of the photographs that had been framed. It was of the entire team standing in the break room at the precinct.

After her last birthday the boys had taken it upon themselves to throw a small celebration together but knowing she would never allow it they hid it under the excuse of celebrating the end of a particularly difficult case. It didn't help matters that Castle himself has managed to get the cake, which was probably the hint she'd gotten as to the real reason for the celebration. To thank him she ended up planting a sizeable amount of icing on his face. By the time the picture was taken he cleaned it off but a hint of it still remained on the tip of his nose.

It was in a frame for a reason he knew and with that he grabbed his coat and headed for the precinct with the intention of hanging it on the break room wall.

The weeks that followed were a blur. Cases came and some were solved while others weren't. Alexis struggled over whether or not she really wanted to leave for college early and he was there to help her. He had a weekly drink with Ryan and Esposito, and they even made cracks at the crazy theories he came up with. Whether he liked it or not life was slowly returning to normal even if he didn't want it to.

Three months, three weeks and six days. That was the time it took for him to go and visit her.

He hadn't actually planned on doing so at first but after a look at the calendar he realized how long it had been and knew what he had to do.

He brought flowers because it seemed like the thing to do, even if she'd never seemed like a flowers kind of girl. Upon finding a small bouquet of wilted roses he knew someone else had been there and felt a little relieved, because even though he felt guilty for not coming sooner at least she wasn't alone. He could picture the way she would roll her eyes at that because while there was a stone to mark where she lay she wasn't actually there anymore, at least not really.

"I should have come sooner," Castle offered as means of apology. His mother had said he had trouble with words when it counted and she was right. He'd waited too long to tell Kate Beckett the truth and now he wasn't sure if she would ever know despite how much he wanted her to.

So he did the only thing he could do, short of bringing the guy who shot her to justice. He told her the truth whether she could hear it or not. It might not have been as eloquent as if it had been written in one of his books but it was honest just the same.

He told her he loved her, saying sorry for never telling her sooner. He told her about the visit with her dad and how honored he'd been that she'd kept all those pictures. While he spoke with more hesitance, Castle also told her of how with the boys they were still looking for the person who'd taken her life and that they wouldn't give up. By the time he left he wasn't sure how long he'd been there but the sun was setting in the sky and his heart felt lighter than it had in a long time.

There was no way he could know that within a matter of weeks they would make the break that helped them capture the man who shot Beckett. Because of that, he had no way of knowing that a few days afterward his partnership with the precinct would end and the decision behind it would be his own. He couldn't know at that moment that the weekly drink he had with Ryan and Esposito would become a tradition despite not working together anymore.

Castle would write again and would have more bestsellers but it wouldn't feel the same. Life would go on without him realizing it and things would change. He would always miss her—that much he already knew—and he'd keep one of the pictures of them on the desk in his office to help him remember.

He'd move on with his life regardless of how much he didn't want to and he'd make an effort to be more careful, because at the least he owed her that much.


End file.
